Chines Os.

Nono, not the “Big O”. The written one. Gosh, terrible.

I wanted to shit twice in the exam, I think it’s because of a sweet i ate. Then i suffered a panic attack, where i couldn’t think of anything, except giving up, cry and felt like fainting. But good thing i finished the paper. Not of top grade, but I managed to stop and calm myself. So let’s just think it of a blessing to be given a chance to finish it.

Then paper 2. was quite disastrous too. Cos i dint know alot of words. And i made so many blunders. As usual the panic attacked, but it wasn’t that bad.

Both answers are not of top grade, but at least it’s finished till the last.

I think this time, I really made a mess out of it, because I think the lack of practice and i can’t help but to feel helpless when the time starts ticking so fast, and your paper is still blank. So i guess i’ll be takin’ it again at the end of the year.

Sighs. Just let me think this as a lesson learned.

FUCK (CHINESE) O’s!!!

JCs

1. NJC

2. ACJC

3. NYJC

4. MJC

now it doesn’t sound so weird.

4 days left to Chinese O levels.

Yea dude, it’s the real one.

It’s so scary that a major exam is just a mere 24×4 hours away and I’m not ready at all ! It’s like being in a  marathon without any trainings before ya know?

I kept getting A2 for Chinese, and just unable to get a few more points to reach an A1. I thought to myself whether it will be like that for the real test. Seriously, I dare not think about it.

But come to think of it, I’ve always been so unmotivated and lacking confidence in whatever I do. When i play table tennis, I feel the drive to win something, but i back out because I always thing it’s impossible to win someone. It feels intimidating as I’ve lost a couple of times, or maybe the whole time. I tell myself it’s enough after a few winning balls or a match. But I seriously need to realize that when it comes to winning and good grades, good and winning, is never enough.

For me, I guess it won’t be just studying these 4 days. I HAVE to get mentally prepared for this big challenge. Let me think the A2s I’ve gotten are small stepping stones to my ultimate goal.

I WILL get an A1 for this CHINESE O LEVEL EXAM.

I WILL NOT be intimidated by this exam.

I WILL be NUMBER 1.

Hold the tears Girl.

AHHH!!! i’m seriously startin’ to freak out! There’s nothing now in my mind except regrets, regrets and more regrets!!!

Zzz, I fuckin’ start to realise that it’s important to listen in class no matter how tired you are and must do your homework!!!!!

*Faints* I had to pack my file, and i found out that my whole lot of worksheets and whatever shitlings are all missing in the room, or maybe i threw it away cos it looks so mmuch like sec 2 work somehow la!!! and then now i’m so panicky and stuffs!!

I really want to burst out just now cos i’m so fuckin’ scared!! it’s less than half a year away and i only just realised that!!!! omg! how can i call myself an o level candidate!!!! *faints*

My hands shiver everytime i find out one of my work is missing or the whole shitty worksheet is blank ya know!!!

*grabs hair and pull* gosh. i’m really dying!!!!!!!!!

xDxD

ok, I’m suffereing from sever depression.

Sever moodswings.

DAMN!

:D

It seriously makes me think why I’m here.

No one’s proud of me, no one to give me a pat on the back or a little compliment and encouragement to keep me going. Yet all these troubles like to come when I’m down for a major examination.

My parents were on the verge of divorce when I’m in Primary 6 and seriously, every week there will be arguments so intense they make you just mad and cry no matter where you are. The speak or discussion of family irks you.

I don’t know if it’s my own thinking that my parent’s divorce don’t hurt me or affect me at all. I see people with moms and dads holding hands while seeing their kids play, and the innocent act of brothers and sisters playing and looking out for one another. It just doesn’t happen here.

Where families can go out together on a Saturday morning happily for a meal or to the park for a day of recreational activities, and occasional going for a short thrill learning a new skill or game. Being able to be on a big field playing my favourite game of Frisbee or touch rugby, or just a simple activity or flying a kite and running around all over the place and get yourself all covered in mud. Or maybe building sandcastles or cable skiing? No. I’ve never had this much fun in real life as I had in my dreams.

Even if i do get to spend time with my family, all happens is either an argument or a fight, or a cold war that wouldn’t end even after dinner, cos no one is willing to relent and forgive each other. All that happens in the car today, if just the nagging of my mom about what she dislikes able me, and never the achievements i’ve gotten, even if it’s just a b3 in english.

Everyone thinks of themselves. “You know how hard it is to work all day and then come home and see a mess all around?” (well, the professionals actually say that, parents should compliment for a small area of cleanliness but not comment about the mess made) or “Talk so much, next time I won’t buy dinner for you.” Or without asking, “I drank you coke.” and not think that it’s actually a sense of disrespect by thinking that the things belonging to others = to yours.

He is engrossed with living with the other ones. He is obediently obeying his gf, giving all his attention and money to her which should have been saved up or for me. Do you know his gf gets a pooh bear every month, and I get a birthday present only after three years of being presentless? His gf gets a christmas presents, but I’m just so “blessed” with scoldings and cold wars and tears? And She is always so into work, neglecting my call for attention with “I’m working, what do you expect” or “Can you just let me have peace and let me sleep and stop talking? I’m so tired!”. I’ve never gotten a chance to talk to her for more than a few hours. I’ve so little interaction as these fucking people won’t talk and i have to be grounded at home till infinity. I’m just no different from a prisoner.

They don’t support me of my ambition, or encourage me to study well except to say, “Always talktalktalk no action, like it will happen. Zoologist don’t make money one la, take business isn’t it better?”. If i’m so fucking engrossed with making money, then how am I going to give enough attention my child needs in future. I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want to neglect my kids, keeping my kids in and not letting them have so fun to relax their minds and get ready to tackle school two days later. By being a zoologist, I maybe could introduce my kids to animals, let them have interaction and an experience not many kids will have. They will have a new thing to learn every day, and not leading a rotting life by sitting home, nothing to do except to procrastinate because everything seemed so boring.

I just want a simple, happy life. That’s all. To hell with the gadgets. If I’m given enough interaction with the outside world, I won’t want to go online everyday and play the computer from dusk to dawn.

What I yearn for is attention, fun, respect.

I am a kid. A teenager. I want to have fun, not to live a life in a land of dictatorship.

She won’t be proud of me anyway.

26/35 for maths

A2 for Chinese and E maths

B3 for English

19/25 and 18/25 for English comprehension and summary

32/40 for Chinese Prelims Oral

27/40 for English Mock Oral

All As for Chemistry notes and Worksheets and A* for the recent one.

But why am I am working so hard? For she won’t be proud of me anyway.

No words of encouragement or one compliment.

Privileges were taken away, not once given. It’s all punishment, and no rewards.

Her promises are always broken, yet I’m expected to keep mine.

Credit all given to her, not once directed to me.

She tells me not to be rude, not to shout, yet she does that to me.

I wonder, am I now taught, how to treat my kids in future?

Why am I working so hard. There’s no drive for me to do it now, since she won’t be proud of me anyway.

I have a stalker!

Wow. I really don’t remember telling her about this blog and woots! she found her way to MY BLOG.

People! I officially have a stalker! *clapclaps!*

Well anyway, I’ve put that comment under spam. (: Hope you liked that as much as you liked that post ((:

Ok, back to today.

Nothing much happened anyway. Just that i’ve scored 69 for Chinese, excluding the listening comprehension on friday.  Haha, I pretty much have the same score as Claudia, so this Friday shall be the final battle. xD

Maths, 26/35. I did the homework, it’s just not marked, cos i’m lazy to finish the last question of each homework, thus if i hand it in, it will be erm, a B or C. Hahahaha. So yea. I did my homework.

And i’m out of English remedial. Funny thing that i’m so reluctant to leave it. Zzz. It seriously made me improve. My highest mark for english essay finally touched a score i’ve nv thought of. 20/30. like whoah?! hahaha, so proud of myself that i’d really made use of english remedial to brush it up.

Then there’s nothing much. Rained today, So i dint get to play basketball properly. But Nat Ong was a great partner. Although we did screw up a few times, like throwing too long, too high, or. Idk. HAHAHAHA. Fun today, but not VERY FUN.

Yesterday was a bad day. Zz. And today was a bad day too. I saw her. I made a fuckin’ detour, and I see her again. Woots! Thanks man. I should really get some pamelo leaves and take a bath. Hahaha, been quite unlucky recently.

Aight, back to History.

*I’m not exactly mad at you. I’m just so sick that after so long, when i want to forget about the incident, and treat that i do not know you at all, you decide to bring it all up by giving me the attitude that i do not think i deserve. Seriously. I do not hate you. I just detest you.*

ok, just bear with me for a while.

FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

ok, i’m feelin’ better now. (not)

I’m back.

Hey people on the internet!

Haha, it’s been long since i blogged d:

Hmm, i shall start with a very sad part. I lost my $30 )): someone stole it i guess. my handphone and wallet dropped out when i went to pick up my pinafore. I felt something fishy, but dint bother to check it. Then! the next day, I wanted to buy food, i realised my 3 red coloured notes MISSING! and then i was so shocked, i dint know what to do. I acted normal, paid with the remaining coins in my pocket. Then while eating, i realised my money was stolen. Fine, i was slow. took me 24 hrs to realised that.

What’s so fishy about this incident was that, i put my pinafore along with 5-6 other classmates of mine, and i delibrately stuffed it under/between my classmate’s bag, so that it wouldn’t be see. But ha, who knows. the fucking faggot stole only mine, so i suspect (aight, if you have the brains, you’ll know what i’m thinking). But i was glad my handphone and wallet’s still with me, dont need to make anything again, and i wont have to use back my old phone, although It’s just a model older. tsktsk. never mind, now i know who to hang out with, and who not to.

Oh yea, and my napha, i think imma get gold again, these are the results.

Shutter run: 11.1sec

Situps: 36

Incline pullup: 14

2.4KM run: 15:23mins

Sit and reach: 45cm (i used to do 32 cm, i dont know why i had this sudden burst of flexibility that day)

Standing broad jump: 191cm

Yea it sucks, but at least it’s above average ok! hahahah~

Ok, the happy stuff. I went to a place, had a blast of my life by joining in a feather+cotton in a cotton bag fight. hahaha. I’ve met my internet friend, the first one i ever met, Bianca. ^^ yea and i met my cuz’s friend. zzz. But it was hell fun. i’m not going to tell you what happen. HAHAHA who ask you all don’t want to go. The adrenaline rush was super cool. xDxD

Then mother’s day, we went to this buffet, and as kiasu singaporeans, we ate like a. GIANT! hahahah!! we simply koped everything, and we finished it! i’m so proud of my family (mother side). ^^ HAHA, and i ate alot too! which is like, not very me.

I’ve been eating quite alot recently, and i have a sudden craving for meat after 10pm. HAHA, idk. It’s just. weird. and i eat lotsa junks, drank lots of water. full, but i still wanna eat meat. xD

Aight, i shall be back to my homework. (zzz, make me wanna just plonk down on my bed like a jelly fish and dream about. FM! hahahaha. nono not radio, use your brain. xD

adios people on the internet!

*i cant wait to go out again. And i want to get A1 for chinese, not a fucking A2. grrr*

these are my scores (7 subs)

SS/HIST: ?

English: B4

Chinese: A2

E maths: A2

Amaths : C6

Biology: C6

Chem: drumroll please!!!! F9

thanks ar!

Happy Mother’s Day

Now how am i gonna study with spider solitaire sounds that is so loud, it penetrated the walls, entered the room, and beat on my eardrums!

GARH! FUCK!

:D

wicked stuff. xD

time of the monthie~

no wonder i had mood swings.

garh.

all because of this thing that comes once in a month to bug me.

today, i went to the toilet, cos i had cramps. and i realised i nid to shit.

wow. kudos to me. xD

I wonder if it is the weather that is making me unlike me, or just stuffs that making me feel so down lately.

It seems that the sun ain’t happy anymore, and thus going high on drugs and giving us this disgusting weather (disgusting ‘cos everyone will smell bad due to the sweating).

I stared into blank space as my old air conditioner continued to give a low roar. That’s the feeling I’m experiencing right now. Just being really blank. Nothing is going through my mind, but yet once again, i feel this sense of loneliness and depression.

It attacks me often unknowingly, makes me feel torn up, makes me crumble down from a tall building to a pile of debris.

My legs don’t seem to be workin’, tired of the lactic acid built up. Tired of running away from this feeling, running, in hope of finding the end of this blank space and find myself into a world of colours and wonders. My heart is aching, I pressed my palm on my chest, sweat dripped on my face. I’m feelin’ really sad and painful, as this sense of loneliness and agony continues to bite into my flesh bit by bit, aiming for the red pumping machine in the middle of me.

I don’t want to hope anymore. I don’t want to run anymore.

Please.

Teach me how to break free.

Protected: It all ends up at the same point: Money.

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